]|[< ]|[ ]|[\V/]|[ |3 3 |2 (zar_roc) wrote,
]|[< ]|[ ]|[\V/]|[ |3 3 |2
zar_roc

The Epic Battle

Between Kimber the Pirate and The Fierce Matt Pierce
Green = Matt's writing
Purple = Kim's writing


Matt Matt
Rhymes with hat
I stopped by to have a chat
I was just bitten by a cat
How about that
And am now being summoned into combat


And lo did Kimber enter the fray
For she was determined to win the day
it seemed at first she'd won the battle
by pelting her foes with words...and cattle
but then alas! Oh rue the day
from o'er the mountains: "Callou, Callay!"
the call of a rider echoed loud
as the Jabberwock he rode, like a feathered cloud
swooped down to where Kim, impatient, sat
and upon its back 'twas no other than Matt.
"You're late, dude" she cried, "and what is THIS shit?
You brought your pet? That's cheating, you twit!"
"I'll get you for that!"
"Yeah? Well I'll skin your cat!"
"I'll throw you to the moon!"
"Well I'll beat you 'til June!"
"I'll torch you to cinders!"
"I'll give you eight billion splinters!"
"I'll kick, bite and maim!"
"Bah! Have double the same!"
"And what makes you think so? Some fanciful whim?"
"Please! Perhaps you've forgotten; you're dealing with Kim.
I have made kings cry with a single mad glare,
defeated 100 samurai with naught but my hair,
I bitch-slapped Cthulu back into his pit,
blink too slow and you just might miss my quick wit,
sarcasm like mine has never been heard,
I INVENTED awesome, I coined the phrase 'word.'
Who else could put your army all dead in a pile
and look so freakin' GOOD all the while?"
Matt brandished his sword from atop his beast
and with a crazed grin his face was creased
"You boast and you brag. Hey guess what? I can hear.
But I'm through with your talking; bring the fighting up here!"
Thus she charged up the Jabberwock with a murderous yell
What then? Only your next comment will tell.


Thus the second battle began with a thunderous roar
Kimber had summoned a Megazord, which was way friggin’ hardcore.
It rushed for the Jabberwock, while theme music played
Kimber smiled slyly, and took out her blade
“Your little pet is distracted, and he’s no match for mine
Come fight me yourself, unless you resign”
“Never!” Matt bellowed “You insulted my pet.
I can’t take that lightly, he’s rather upset.”
“Then bring it, bizatch.” Then leapt at her foe
With surprising speed that would make Keanu go “whoa.”
The two fought for days, still neither one tired
There was motion blur, techno, and a ring of cold fire!
On the 89th hour, still neither was slain
What happens now? Well, it’s your turn again.


Yet three days; nay almost four
these two had a duel like none before,
The two fighting masters, they slashed and they blocked
while with the battle of their pets the countryside rocked.
The Jabberwock, uncanny, and so strange a beast,
the Megazord could not compute in the least.
Then again, the 'Wock had never seen a mech
let alone a dino, so he's like, "What the Heck?"
And while Godzilla played out several stories tall,
two masterful fighters danced in a bladed squall.
He had practiced quite hard in every style,
while it came to her naturally through cunning and guile.
First stab and then block, now parry and thrust,
they swirled with great speed and kicked up much dust,
yet when it settled, there was only a Kim.
"I didn't think I was THAT good; I vaporized him!"
"Ah-ah-ah!" came a call from back and to the right,
"I just need a new strategy to win this fight."
She spun and she saw him: he was well away.
"Hey you, get back here! I haven't got all damn day!"
He merely shrugged and held his place.
"You don't seem to get it. With a blade you're an ace.
I've never 'til you met quite such a match,
so out of this stalemate a plan I did hatch.
The chance of my loss didn't seem very fun
and that's when it hit me: why not two against one?"
Sheathing his sword he dropped to a knee,
muttered some words and gathered his Ki.
She lost sight for a moment as he became a blur,
and then where one Matt just was, two now were!
"Cheating again!" she cried, "Well though this trick is new,
if you're not careful, I'll stop going easy on you."
"'Twixt genius and trickery is a wise connotation,
but I'll bet you're not here for Confucian quotation."
They crossed as they charged and came from both sides.
And then- well now, that's for you to decide.


They crossed as they charged and came from both sides.
But what befell next gave them both a surprise.
They stopped in their paths, mouths gaping wide
“Holycrapwhattheshit? My eyes must have lied!”
For between them stood badass, of an epic scope
It was Chuck Norris, grundle punching the pope.
“Enough!” He bellowed, post roundhouse kick to the head
“You’re annoying as enemies. Join forces instead”
He liquefied their weapons with the a twitch of the lip
And turned their pets to J-E-L-L-O with one finger tip
The as fast as he came, he was gone in a blink
Matt gaped at the air, Kimber reached for a drink
“We should do what he says, he’s badshit whacked out”
Thought out loud the Kim Pirate, who yet, had her doubts
They both stood unarmed, in silent frustration
Hey Matt, I’m outta rhymes, you finish the narration


With curious grimaces they, ponderous, sat,
Matt considering Kim, and she sizing up Matt
"Friends with her?" thought the Matt. "The idea doesn't thrill me
I've never been good with girls, especially ones that try to kill me..."
"Friends with THIS guy? I mean, it was an OK fight,
and ignore a few things and I guess he's alright..."
"Hey!" cried she, "Dude, step back a pace.
Remind me, why were we fighting in the first place??"
"Gladly I'll recount the most heinous plot!
It was...umm...er...well damn, I forgot.
So, friends it is! Let us from each other take cue."
"Well, now that that's settled, what do you think we ought do?"
And almost as if destined, in time person and place,
the same mischievous madness alighted each face.
"What if we two" said Matt, "were to defeat the Norris?"
"Why, they'd tell our praises" said Kim, "in poems and in chorus!"
Side by side these legends marched towards their next fray,
and that, children, is a story for some other day.
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